I get lots of questions about what being a highly sensitive person is all about, how we are different from those who are less sensitive, and how we fit with the rest of the world.
If you wonder any of these things, this post might satisfy your curiosity. Or it just might provoke it further.
What Exactly is the Trait of High Sensitivity?
Clinical psychologist Elaine Aron, who researched, defined, and wrote about the highly sensitive person, says the clinical word for high sensitivity is “sensory-processing sensitivity”.
Essentially, if you’re a highly sensitive person, you have an especially sensitive neurological system. That’s it. Basically high sensitivity is a function of physiology. It’s how your body is wired.
What a highly sensitive neurological system does is pick up incoming stimuli in greater detail and with greater intensity than the nervous system of someone with lower sensitivity.
This incoming stimuli comes both from outside you and from inside you.
- Outer sources include the environment, various energies, and people around you.
- Inner sources are your own thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.
That’s It?
Well, there is more to the story. The rest of the story covers:
- The benefits and limitations of that physiological makeup.
- How those benefits and limitations play out in your life.
- How you and people at the opposite end of the sensitivity spectrum are entirely alien to each other.
In fact, there’s a whole book of “more”. Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, is an excellent primer on this subject. Personally, I find three chapters particularly valuable. In the first two chapters of the book she explains in detail what high sensitivity is all about. In a later chapter she addresses the kind of health issues we tend to have, and our often problematic relationships with the healthcare system and medications.
If after reading this post you still wonder if you’re truly highly sensitive, take Elaine’s insightful highly sensitive person quiz on her website. It’s filled with concrete characteristics associated with high sensitivity and will help you wrap your brain around your uniqueness. She also has a test to help you get a sense of whether your child might be highly sensitive.
The Scope of Sensitivity
The research on sensitivity reveals an entire spectrum of sensitivity – at the one end high sensitivity, at the other those who are “not at all” sensitive.
A significant percentage of people are highly sensitive: about 15-20%. That’s one out of about every 5 to 7 people. Another 20-25% or so are moderately sensitive. At the other end of the spectrum, almost half of the population is not sensitive to some degree.
What’s so interesting to me is that men are as likely to be highly sensitive as women. AND the percentages hold across cultures and throughout the animal kingdom, from mammals down to the tiny fruit fly.
Hm, I Sense a Pattern Here…
We live in a world laced with dissonance, and because of that I don’t believe the widespread presence of a trait is proof that it’s a good, positive thing. But in this case the consistency of the percentages across gender, culture, species, and throughout the entire spectrum of animal life on this planet cause me to suspect that the full spectrum of physiologic sensitivity is an intentional design of the Creator. It seems to me the Creator considers the entire spectrum of sensitivity important in the larger community of life.
But few people on the planet appear to agree with Him.
It seems someone is always marginalizing either the more sensitive or the not so sensitive. Various cultures idealize different levels of sensitivity, and at the same time devalue the opposite. (Yes, surprisingly for us Westerners, some cultures actually idealize the highly sensitive temperament. Who knew?)
What We All (Sort of) Have in Common…
In coming to grips with differing levels in sensitivity, it’s absolutely critical to understand the implications of optimal levels of stimuli. This is where so many misunderstandings arise between people.
The principle is that everyone does best when they are at an optimal level of stimulation. Everyone. We all thrive at an optimal level of stirring, challenging, motivating, engaging stimulation. The consequences of being out of this optimal place are dire.
- When there’s too little stimulation, people sink into an unmotivated sludge of bored immobility.
- When there’s too much, the result is a frazzled and jangled state in which people cease to be effective or pleasant to be around.
- At an optimal level, however, people are capable of being engaged, motivated, and at least relatively pleasant and effective. This is a universal reality.
The complication here is that an optimal level is different for people with different sensitivity needs. It’s highly individualized. And any person will need different levels of stimulation at different times.
What’s important to realize here is there is no level of stimulation best for everyone. What might engage a highly sensitive person may be snoozeville for a less sensitive person. And what is a great time for a not-at-all sensitive person may be unbearable, or even traumatic, for the highly sensitive.
Aliens!
Different sensitivity levels might sound to you like simple, understandable variations between people. But in fact the results are far more dramatic than it might seem.
The sensory-processing differences between people at opposite ends of the sensitivity spectrum create experiences of the world that are so different from each other that they are functionally alien. The realities of those at the one end are virtually unfathomable to those at the other.
People like to believe they are capable of understanding another person’s experience of life, and usually try to do this based upon their own experiences and their imagination. But really, when people are this different, it just doesn’t work.
The Assets of High Sensitivity
Highly sensitive people are equipped to bring exceptional assets to the table. We have the potential to be aware of subtle nuances others are oblivious to. We are wired to be able to see things that tend to be hidden from less sensitive people. We might pick up on little clues others miss. We can be highly intuitive.
We potentially see more shades of meaning than others. We can therefore possibly have deeper and clearer insight into situations, plans, and ideas.
We also have the potential to better understand the implications of any planned strategy, and to foresee consequences of a proposed action. And so we are capable of offering great advice – potentially.
But…
The reason I liberally use the words “might”, “potentially” and such are because these inborn gifts operate well only when we are at a reasonable level of stimulation.
When we are in a state of overwhelm or over-stimulation, we tend not to be aware of anything but the sheer nerve-wracking magnitude of the incoming stimuli. Unfortunately this is a common experience for us.
Being highly sensitive means that, by definition, we are relatively easily overwhelmed by too much noise, too many people, too much time on the go, too much stress, too many demands, and too much of any other stimuli.
And we don’t function particularly well when we are experiencing overload. No one does. We just go there easier than others.
Living in the Asset Zone
When we are not in overload, the world and our personal relationships benefit greatly from the insightful, intuitive, well-considered contributions we highly sensitive people so conscientiously make. Therefore, the key here is to learn how to live in the asset zone.
Highly sensitive people typically try hard to diligently do the right thing. But sometimes we get confused about what the right thing is, especially with the less sensitive world telling us the right thing is to keep up with them.
I propose that one of our highest value priorities is to set our boundaries and sculpt our lives to care for our physical sensitivities. It is just good stewardship to live our lives in such a way that our gifts are free to flow out of us.
But many highly sensitive people don’t feel comfortable doing this, trying instead to get over the bar set by those who cannot begin to comprehend how we experience the world.
And, when we try to measure up by faithfully keeping pace with the lives and expectations of the less sensitive people in our world, all we do is we squander our gifts and hide our light under the proverbial bushel.
The True Gift
People often wonder if being highly sensitive is a Special Gift. My response is, yes, but only if being not-at-all sensitive is also a Special Gift. And every degree of sensitivity in between.
You see, I believe the true gift from God is not one particular flavor of sensitivity, but rather the entirety of the sensitivity spectrum.
It is valuable to understand our own place on the sensitivity spectrum, to make peace with it, and to sow into it. But that is not enough. To actually live out the heart of God here on planet earth, we need to honor the full spectrum of sensitivity.
Anything else – any elistism, any superiority, any lesser valuing of those who are not what we are, any presumption of being more significant or more advanced – falls short of the glory of God.
So come celebrate the full spectrum of sensitivity with me – even if much of the rest of the spectrum still rejects our particular uniqueness.
Forgiving and valuing has to start somewhere. Where better than with us who were created to see deeply and to fathom the finer nuances?
Be blessed.
Gail Ruth
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I so relate to the picture of being “easily overwhelmed by too much noise, too many people, too much time on the go, too much stress, too many demands”! Only lately have I begun to realize that my husband and daughter have sensitivities, too – but different flavors. My husband is sensitive to particular noises, large groups of people, and even implied demands. My daughter doesn’t mind noise and crowds, but when she wants to be alone, it’s an absolute hunger. And when she hits stress overload, she falls to pieces. What’s beautiful is how we are learning to fit together as a family. It’s even all right to be in three separate rooms sometimes.
Bravo! I love it when we figure out our loved ones’ particular needs and flex to honor them. Great analysis. Blessings!
I absolutely agree with Vivian’s comment regarding being easily overwhelmed. I recently battled a bout of overwhelm. I wanted to shut down and hide from everyone and everything. There was a lot happening all around me, with loved ones and in the news. On top of all that, I had a lot on my plate. I realize now, that sometimes I do need to give myself a break from everyone and everything to regroup.
And Gail, that last section on the true gift was beautiful. I think all too often (and I’m guilty of this, too), we judge others for not being more like us, as if they are morally inferior. You have beautifully explained that it was our Creator’s design that we all have differences. This all brings to mind the scriptural passage which says (and I paraphrase): “You’re ways are not My ways. Your thoughts are not My thoughts.”
Wow, Serena! You totally nailed that truth with that scripture. And I love how you conceptualized the “morally inferior” part. Thanks for the insights. It all resonated deeply with me.
I have found myself recently telling the story I heard somewhere of a duck, a squirrel, and a deer. The duck swims across the pond, the squirrel scampers through the trees, and the deer runs through the forest. We must resist the typical “corporate business” response to compel the poor things to “work on their weaknesses.” We cannot cross-train the deer to climb trees, the duck to scamper, nor the squirrel to glide smoothly over the surface of the water. To paraphrase Paul, because the duck says, “I am not a squirrel,” does not make it any less a part of the forest. Glorify God for your strengths, and beware of trying to compel deer to climb among the branches!
Great story. But maybe a deeper story is that the deer are dominant and really don’t believe the ducks and squirrels are really ducks and squirrels. The deer actually believe the others are just character-impaired, failed, willfully stubborn, deeply wounded, or otherwise defective deer. Because of course the deer can’t wrap their brain around the existence of anything so foreign to themselves, and so they refuse to believe it. And they’ve convinced most of the ducks and squirrels that they’re just defective deer.
But we can’t decry the deer for this. If the ducks or squirrels were dominant, they’d do the same thing.
What I want to see is a church where the deer are free to be deer, the squirrels are free to be squirrels, and the ducks are free to be ducks. And where they honor the other, even though they are unfathomable to each other. And the world will look with awe and say, “Look how they love each other.”
Yes! Very well put.
Gail, that last point about allowing ducks, deer, and squirrels the freedom to be themselves is so beautiful. I find all too often, the typical church is filled with people who want everyone else to be like them.
Regarding Vivian’s comments about the corporate mindset for people to work on their weaknesses – Marcus Buckingham, in his book, “Now, Discover Your Strengths,” makes a point about the importance of working on our strengths rather than our weaknesses. I know I have a tendency to want to work on my weaknesses, but I’ve learned to not beat myself up so much over them.
Thanks Serena. My husband says one of his college professors long ago gave him that “focus on your strengths” advice. He passed that advice on to me a few years after we married, when I was spending all my energy trying to master my weaknesses. But although I could wrap my head around it, deep inside I couldn’t really believe it was OK. It was quite a long journey deep into the love and grace of God before I could buy into it with my heart and rest there. Love from God seems to be the antidote for many of our heart ills.
Wow, great insights… and so true. Along the line of squirrels being defective deer, I can remember making a conscious choice in middle school to take on the role of an extrovert when I’m a true introvert. I was tired of being labeled and wanted to be popular. When on the spot, I can have a flare for the dramatic, and did a pretty good job at acting – but it drained me…
Things were easier to manage before marriage and children. I homeschooled both my children through 8th grade. I found myself in the company of many large families who seemed to have it all together. Most of the moms I knew were the take-charge administrator type. I felt like a spineless failure in their shadow. Comparison is a horrible, crushing thing. I felt guilty for craving alone time. “After all, Mrs. Jones has 12 kids – she accomplishes so much and holds down a part-time job at home as well, yada, yada, yada.” “I only have 2 kids”- what is my problem – why can’t I keep going 24/7 without feeling like “Mrs. Hyde” is about to emerge?
One of my kids is an extravert that drives me to the brink sometimes with the need for social social social…. Just trying to keep up with his energy and drive and behavior drains me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children beyond words, but I don’t know how to handle mothering and being an INFJ HSP Introvert. My daughter had cancer as a baby (Praise Jesus, she is 14 and doing well) and that also was hard, because I was in a constant state of trauma. This right after a horrible situation with my Mom and later my Dad dealing with their health and problems.
Suffice it to say… Jesus has truly become my best friend. He is my all-sufficient one. That is a great result out of some not-so -fun (excruciating) times. He is helping me see that I am not defective, that I don’t need to put super homeschool mom on a pedestal. He made her for his delight, but He made me too. I am asking the Lord to show me when my longing for solitude and creative time is truly from Him, and when it is selfishness and unwillingness to face real life on my part. I know that there are seasons in life, but I have really struggled to find balance in this.
It would be helpful to know if others relate to this…. I am surrounded by extroverts as well as less sensitive people in my community and I really don’t feel like there is much understanding or empathy. I don’t really express this to anyone, but I’m pretty sure the answer would be: “Just buck it up- you think you’re the only one with problems?” That’s pretty much the answer I got the one time I tried to express myself to another homeschooling mom I was starting to trust. Boy, the old turtle head went back in the shell after that! You extroverts out there… please don’t take offense at this.. you are wonderful, much loved people and absolutely essential in the body of Christ. I have vented a little here. Thanks for understanding, and praying!
Hi Springtime. I love your line about comparison being a horrible, crushing thing. And I love how you’ve found your way into a supportive love relationship with Jesus. It sounds like you are becoming a repository of wisdom. Blessings!
Hi Springtime! I’m right there with you on the comparison thing. I’ve said the exact same thing to myself–”What do I have to complain about…I only have 2 children!” I’m making progress on telling myself that I’m a unique, highly sensitive person with valid needs and energy levels that might be different than the supermom with a gazillion kids I’ve built up in my mind…but I still compare myself to others way too much!
My kids are wearing me out with the constant “Can I have a friend over?” this summer. Extra bodies, extra voices, extra emotions in the house, extra servings of food to prepare, extra dishes, extra shoes in the mudroom… it’s fun for them and draining for their highly sensitive mom! Yes, as everyone says, it’s nice to have them here where I know what they are doing, but sometimes it’s nice for them to go to someone else’s house so I can have some space for my brain to function! I can’t believe how creative and productive I get in the fall when I get larger chunks of time alone in the house again!
All of which to say, you bet I relate! :)
Springtime, I so relate to what you’re saying. When I was a child, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb and that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t popular. I went through a whole year of school not really having any friends. But what I’ve learned over the years is that that person you think who has it all together usually doesn’t. He/she is just projecting that because many times, people want to put their best face forward. Believe me, underneath that facade of confidence, oftentimes lies a lot of insecurity and pain. Once I understood that, people became much less intimidating to me.
I stopped trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be a long time ago, and have found that just by being myself, I was accepted for who I am. And – shockingly, indeed – actually liked for being my own unique self. I have learned that I am special and unique just the way I am. And you, Springtime, are also unique and special. You just need to embrace that :0)
Having conquered that insecurity, I now find myself battling with feelings of inadequacy, like you, Springtime. I see a lot of people around me going like the Energizer bunny, but I’m stuck with the feeling that I’m not doing enough or accomplishing enough. After all, I’m single with no dependents. Why can’t I do it all? After a year of therapy, I am starting to accept the fact that I can’t do it all. This has freed me up significantly. I am now enjoying a more balanced life. But I know that these feelings of inadequacy will rear its ugly head every now and then, so I stay vigilant and work to protect myself.
Thanks Gail, Maile, and Serena for your encouragement and helpful thoughts. Though I would never wish it upon anyone to undergo the pain I have experienced in life, it is still a comfort to know that there are others out there that truly understand some of the challenges I face every day. As I said before, the Lord has drawn me closer to Him through this whole process – I guess because I realize I need Him so much in every aspect of my life. The fact that His strength is made perfect in our weakness seems so incredible – yet I see this happen time and again… I get so overwhelmed sometimes by the demands of life and the expectations that I feel are put upon me from every side… but when I call out to the Lord for help, he really is faithful to help me in my time of need. It can be in the smallest or largest of details. I am so thankful for such a wonderful Heavenly Father that cares enough to involve Himself in my life in that way – seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things – yet important enough for Him to involve Himself in because I am His child!
“It can be in the smallest or largest of details. I am so thankful for such a wonderful Heavenly Father that cares enough to involve Himself in my life in that way – seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things- yet important enough for Him to involve Himself in because I am His child!”
Springtime, so beautifully said! I had to pause and think about the awesomeness of that statement and pray and thank God for caring so much!
Hello Gail and all. One thing I read a while back from this website I still remember deals with accepting one’s pace of life no matter how slow. I am not comfortable as a fast driver. I generally go with the flow of traffic. It baffles me how someone can allow themselves to curse and swear at another driver. It’s as if they don’t realize that their words are like prayers, whether spoken out loud or not.
Hi Robert,
I’m so glad you wrote this. And I’d like to respond not just to you, but to the multitudes of people who carry their own version of this type of bafflement (i.e. virtually everybody).
It’s always baffling to see someone succumb to something you yourself aren’t susceptible to. The flip side of this is that the other person is probably just at baffled at things you do to which they’re not even remotely vulnerable.
The bottom line is that other people do not fundamentally share our understandings, paradigms, and experiences of the world. And we do not share theirs. We are so foundationally different from each other that our own experience of the world is useless in helping us interpret or understand another person who has a different set of strengths and weaknesses.
This is why Jesus taught us to avoid judging. He is the only one who compassionately understands, from the inside out, what we do and why we do it. No one baffles Him. He perceives and understands every heart.
Also, you say, “It’s as if they don’t realize…” And I’d like to respond, they don’t realize. So few people do.
It’s so easy to be baffled when we don’t recognize the rarity of our natural strengths, but instead think, “Of course we do this… think this… function like this… Doesn’t everybody? And if they don’t they should, because they could if they just cared enough to try.” But refer back to the comments on the deer, squirrel and duck. It’s tough to wrap our minds around the reality that many others are incapable of seeing and experiencing the world as we do in the area of our blessings and strengths and understandings. That relatively few people carry our particular blessing.
When a failing of someone else baffles you, it can be a useful sign of a gift or blessing you carry that many other people don’t have. So I encourage you to embrace your understanding of the power of words as something only a few have, and use it to release blessing into the earth. So bless and be blessed!
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