Have You Ever Struggled to Forgive? A Story for Highly Sensitive People

It was a difficult time in my life. I had been struggling for months to overcome a significant offense and wounding. Like many highly sensitive people I have a somewhat obsessive mind about injustices, and this one was a doozy. It had been inflicted upon me deliberately and publicly by a bewildering source. I felt hurt, dazed, and outraged.

To understand my story, it’s important to know I was fully aware of the spiritual principles of forgiveness and judgment as Jesus taught them. I’ll summarize them here so my narrative will make sense.

Principles of Forgiveness and Judgment

Jesus told a parable about a man who owed a King a debt so large it was impossible to ever repay, and the imminent consequences were terrible. Amazingly, the King had mercy on him and forgave his entire debt, and the man went on his way. He then went to someone who owed him a small debt and demanded repayment. When his debtor couldn’t repay, the newly-forgiven man coldly had this other man thrown into debtor’s prison.

Now when the King heard about this, he revoked the forgiveness and turned that first man over to the torturers. Jesus closed the story with the sad words, “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).

Another time, Jesus said, “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2).

The point of all this is to let us know that if we get a break from God, we are to give that same kind of break to everyone else in our lives – authentically from our hearts. There’s no room in the heart of love for some ”I’m special and you’re not” thing, or “I get mercy but you don’t.” And the principle of sowing and reaping says that what we give we get – judgment for judgment, and mercy for mercy. (James 2:13).

I was trying to take these teachings to heart, and therefore had repeatedly labored to forgive and release my offender to God, seeking healing for my heart. And for a while I would feel fine. But then days or weeks later, all the bewildered, angry, aggressive feelings toward this person would well up again.

Each time it was a bitter struggle against the temptation to just give up the fight and succumb to the compelling outrage and the desire for retribution that assaulted my mind and heart. But I continued to resist, and so the battle went on.

A Dream

One night after months of this I had a vivid dream.

In the dream, I noticed the person who harmed me walking nearby. My indignation flared and I violently wanted to stalk over and punch him hard in the stomach.

Even in the dream I was aware of the laws of forgiveness and judgment as taught by Jesus. I knew that if I retaliated against this man’s harm of me, I would then owe on my debt to God. I considered these laws and weighed them against my burning desire to assault this man.

In my gall, I decided I didn’t care. Anyway, I figured I couldn’t owe that big of a debt to God. I strategized that I could punch this guy, and then brace myself and turn around and take the belly blow I knew would be coming to me in response. I thought, “Even if it hurts, I’ll get over it, and it will have been so worth it.”

So in my dream I marched up to this person and belted him hard in the gut. As he buckled over, I was flooded with satisfaction. That had felt good. Really, really good.

Then, knowing what was coming, I prepared myself to turn around, bracing to take that punch in the gut I had coming, that judgment I knew I was no longer protected from because I had not forgiven.

So I braced and turned, and to my horror saw a huge wrecking ball speeding right for me. I knew instantly I was utterly destroyed.

In the flash before contact, I finally understood. I had thought I was exchanging a punch for a punch. But in demanding a single repayment of wrong owed to me by another person, I had opened the door to owing God on all the debts of my existence, which were far greater than I had comprehended.

And now that I had delivered my judgment, there was no longer any way out. I jerked awake in panic.

And Awake Again

Once again I released the debt to God – and a very large debt it seemed to me – and left it in God’s hands where it belonged without me peeking in to see if I approved of how God was handling it. I still had to struggle for a time with the pain inflicted by this person and the disorienting turmoil resulting from the sheer injustice of the act, but I never again longed to retaliate or see him owe on his debt to me.

Later the season of temptation was thankfully removed, with God suddenly whisking away all the churning emotion and obsessive thought. I was unspeakably grateful.

Here’s to the battle for forgiveness, even in the midst of our pain and confusion. May love and mercy triumph in our hearts!

Blessings!

Gail Ruth