Off the Grid
We all benefit from having someone who can model and mirror back at us at least a glimmer of who we’re created to be and how we might use our gifts.
When we’re fortunate enough to receive this, it gives us a needed sense of “permission” to be in the world. And it can show us how to be authentically ourselves in a healthy, loving way. It’s even helpful in living out our relationship with God.
But for those of us who are highly sensitive, highly emotional, or sensitive-gifted and who feel different from other Christians, this helpful mirroring is a rare thing to find, especially in the church.
The church doesn’t lack for people who want to model for us who we are to be as Christians, but this isn’t always helpful for people like us. The problem is that people who are harmonious with the Christian cultural norm might not be good-fitting models for us. Their practical expressions of the Christian life are not always relevant for us.
For clarity’s sake, I’m not talking here about core virtues the Holy Spirit grows in us like love, humility, gladness, valuing others, peace, patience, faith, integrity, etc.
I’m talking about your gifts and created design and how they function in practical ways:
- what the expression of who you were created to be looks like in the context of your love relationship with God
- what the expression of your gifts looks like in the realm of serving God and others
- and even what the expression of prayer looks like for you.
Given To Be a Blessing
What this means is that if your gifts and created design fall outside what is culturally common in your stream of the church, you might find it difficult to grow into the person God created you to be.
The reality is that many unique and hidden gifts intended to bless the world, fellow believers, and the Creator’s own heart, are often misunderstood and overlooked, leaving them lying dormant.
And so today I want to call for a treasure hunt, looking for the unique hidden gifts and treasures the Creator has woven into the very core each individual. Yes, even you. You might be surprised what you find.
Gifts & Accompanying Weaknesses
One place to start looking is with what we call our weaknesses. It seems to me that every gift, every trait, every strength, has its accompanying weakness.
What do I mean by weakness? I consider weakness to be part of our unique design, countering our gifts and strengths. To be considered a weakness, our failures in that area are defined as undesirable by ourselves, our culture, or by individuals around us.
Some examples might be:
- a nurturant highly sensitive person’s struggles to interact with others in noisy social environments
- a deep thinker’s poor tolerance for dealing with the physical environment
- a helpful extrovert’s dislike of being alone for long
- a dancer’s inability to sit still in meetings
- a seer’s difficulty in praying out loud in words
- a dawdler’s inability to operate in efficiency mode
- a strong, competent person’s obliviousness to subtleties
- a multi-faceted scanner’s failure to dedicate herself to just one thing
- a hardy, not sensitive person’s incomprehension of details
- a tender hearted person’s uncontainable public tears at the most inconvenient times
- a writer’s low appetite for social relationships
Weaknesses As Signposts
All these weaknesses look unacceptable to at least some people, and you will most likely be encouraged to sow your energies into mastering or eradicating your weakness. But I don’t see God calling us to this in scripture. To the contrary. Our Creator seems to value our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
For those of you who are aware of your weaknesses (a.k.a. “defects”), I’d like to suggest that maybe your weaknesses can be signposts that something wonderful lies hidden deep inside. Something no one has ever mirrored back at us.
This is how I see it. Your gifts and weaknesses are a package deal. Everybody’s are. When you look at one end of the package deal, it looks like a gaping hole that needs to be filled and all you see is what’s missing that you believe is supposed to be there. But if you look at the other end, it looks wonderful and rich and useful and lovely.
Choose Your Focus
The bottom line is that you can either pour your energies into the dud end (trying hard to be what you’re not) or into the treasure end (seeking out your treasure and investing it).
I would like to propose that instead of hating our weaknesses and dedicating our lives to self-reformation, we allow the Holy Spirit to lead us on a journey that will awaken, open up, unpack, invest, and mature our dormant gifts.
It’s truly a treasure hunt. What our weaknesses will show us is not predictable. What they do is provide clues that can send us on a search and a journey with the Holy Spirit. And there’s no one who can teach us who we are like the Holy Spirit can.
How ‘Bout We Stir Up Some Dormant Gifts?
I love to help stir up gifts hidden deep inside people. To this end, I’m doing an inspiring series of interviews with individuals who express their love for God in ways for which many churches don’t offer a grid.
My hope is that one of these people might reflect back at you something that’s never made sense in you. Or maybe their example will send you on your own out-of-the-box journey with the Holy Spirit to see what lies under those plaguing weaknesses of yours.
Come Join the Treasure Hunt
The interviews are free to access. You simply need to be on my mailing list and I’ll send you the links to them as they’re posted. You can sign up in the purple form to the right. And you can read about the interviews on my Goodies page.
I invite you to come join our treasure hunt. May you find priceless treasure both in yourself and in the people around you.
Blessings!
Gail Ruth
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Another great post, Gail :0) As someone who feels as if I needed to be “fixed” by family members, I can certainly relate to what you’re saying.
As someone once put it, if we’re a horrible golf player and we work on it, the best that we can be is mediocre, and that’s not so good!
I really appreciate your thoughts, Gail. Most of my life I have compared myself with others that I thought were more virtuous, stronger, better leaders, the take charge type that never seems to be phased by anything. I felt guilty for not being like them- that somehow this was because of my lack of….fill in the blank. Then I felt guilty for comparing, for feeling guilty, because we are not supposed to do that either! What craziness.
After some really difficult crisis times in my life, I realized that I had actually become numb… towards God, towards people, towards myself. Then I realized that the person that I had been putting forward to deal with trauma was not the real me. I called out to God to let me feel again- to actually feel something.
I knew deep down that God created me to be a deeply compassionate person, yet to protect myself from being crushed by pain, I became independent (on the inside) and put up walls on the inside of my heart. Jesus answered my calls for help and is doing a work of healing in my heart.
I’m realizing that it’s actually good to be me… that I have some things to offer that others can’t. But I really feel like for the most part I don’t fit in well in the Christian subculture I’m surrounded by. I tend to feel most comfortable with either total strangers, unbelievers, or people that know me well enough to love me in spite of my flaws. The relationships that give me the heebie jeebies are the ones when people know just enough to judge me from what they see on the outside, but don’t know my heart. I see that (at least where I am) the majority of “Christian” relationships in churches tend to be built around programs and activities, and if you leave those, the friendship goes as well. I am one that greatly dislikes small talk, so that makes it hard for me in those big group settings as well. In all of this, Jesus shows himself to be a friend that sticks closer than a brother. He was despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquinted with grief, and he understands the hurt we feel when we are misunderstood. He also gives us his love to share with others who go through similar situations. This is getting long and rambling! Gail, thanks for your encouragement! Looking forward to upcoming installments.
Thanks for sharing your story, Springtime. It sounds like God is bringing some Springtime to your heart, and I love to hear that. Blessings. Gail
It’s 10:12 p.m. and I’m tired, but after reading Springtime’s comment above I don’t feel as though I need to say much at this time. Her thoughts are my thoughts–her words my words. I’m 46 years old and for the first time in my life I feel understood. What a welcome relief that someone else (your website) actually “gets” me. I’ll stay tuned and post more later. God bless!
Hi Outside Looking In,
Hello from Springtime. Looking forward to hearing some of your thoughts!
Gail, Springtime & Outside Looking In
Yes I know this territory very well.
From both sides now which gives me a unique perspective.
Little did I know from as a child that I would hide my weakness, by putting on the armor & doing battle with all those “weak-minded”, emotional people – judging & putting them down…
I was Dan the merciless. Show no pity, no mercy- that only slows you down. In fact it was my badge of courage that I wore so proudly; all to hide that deep inside I was one just like them. I resisted; I did not want to be weak. I was in denial as to why there was so much rejection in my life. I fought & fought for surely the battle could be won. I wanted to be strong. But God knew my heart because He placed it there & eventually won out by going through the back door when I least expected and had placed no barriers, no protection. Yes a new heart, a big heart for people is what the lord gave me & at first I did not want it.
Now, however, I know that the greatest strength comes when you are filled with joy & you have peace because the battle is not yours – it is the Lord’s. It is a position that is simultaneously both low & high. Low because you finally realize you cannot do it on your own and high because now God is at work because you have let go. Ahh sweet surrender, what a place of rest to trust in the Lord.
Does this mean it is easy to be this new me filled with emotions I never new existed because I did not want them? No No No. 40 plus years of ‘trying’ to be the wrong person is challenging enough. From almost never crying to being teary eyed & overcome with emotion & often not knowing why. But, now I have the joy of gradually breaking through those old habit patterns and each is a new trial in which I can now help others when I have persevered long enough (James 1:2-4) to truly learn the lesson.
Wow, that must have taken a lot of courage, Dan, to admit that you were once the kind of person who made life so painful and miserable for people like us, and yet, here you are on the other side of it. This gives me hope when I think about my enemies, for whom I have been trying to develop a greater ability to be patient, compassionate and forgiving. For all I know, they are only cruel because they have been shamed into hating certain culturally-stigmatized blessings, in themselves and in others. Thanks for sharing that. Do you have any advice for helping others grown into a more accepting attitude? I’m pretty sure becoming defensive and mirroring their hostility isn’t the answer, but sometimes I have no idea what to do.
We are instructed to pray for our enemies.
People do not become the way they are overnight and there can be many different reasons.
Attitude – having a desire to change & being aware that change is possible is crucial.
According to actual testing I rated “the highest score” in defensiveness and one of the lowest in “people” skills. So that only made matters more challenging. I did want to change, but seemed to flop at every new attempt. Special workshops, counseling, seminars, self-help books all resulted in more and more frustration…I gave up & thought I was just the way I was.
Then a traumatic event triggered the change for me.
God was at work all along the way. Looking back there was lessons for me to learn.
As for what others can do you’ve already touched on: being patient, compassionate and forgiving.
To that I would add – Pray that God’s love will touch them in a new way that will open their eyes and change their hearts.
I would re-emphasize remain patient…God answers prayer.
Finally attempt to see the person as God sees them & seek to understand them & appreciate their good points.
Hi Snail!
I have been on my own journey of learning how respond to a sometimes hostile world around me. You’re right–I haven’t found a situation yet that was made better by me being defensive & hostile! I don’t have a nice, neat “how to” list to answer your question of what to do, but I do have an assortment of options that each work for me in different ways at different times.
•Flee! Sometimes, my only option is to run away, whether in an immediate sense, like hanging up the phone, walking out of the room, leaving the meeting, etc., or in a more long-term sense like letting certain friendships die, quitting certain groups or commitments. I’ve learned to remove myself from as many situations as possible that cause resentment or woundedness to thrive or build in me. I only have so much emotional energy to spare in my life, and I’ve learned to reserve it for preserving the relationships that are most important to me–my husband and kids, my parents, sister, in-laws. I found I didn’t have enough energy left for them when I was continually putting myself in situations throughout the week where I had to battle environments & people hostile to my high sensitivity AND try to “stay clean” without anger, resentment, etc. This is all part of learning to set boundaries that guard my heart. There are always so many people who want to tell me how I should be spending my time, spending my energy, what my priorities should be…
•Recognize judgment and bitterness in myself and work towards a “zero tolerance” policy. I have a very wise friend who has taught me the difference between “venting” and wallowing in bitterness. Sometimes the battle is just recognizing– “Hey, I’m really bitter about that.” I often have no power to do anything with my woundedness other than turn to Jesus and throw it all up on Him and say, “Okay, what are you going to do for me with this?” He always responds with a picture, a phrase, a gesture that takes the sting out. I keep getting wounded, and I sometimes revisit old wounds, but He is always ready to trade my yuck for something way better.
•I don’t always remember to do this as quickly as I would like, but when I ask Jesus to show me how He sees someone, I often find it hard to stay mad at them. I don’t have room for anger and compassion at the same time. And seeing a glimpse of someone’s beautiful created design makes it hard to call them “bad” or “evil”. That same wise friend of mine has the gift of seeing the beauty in how someone was created, and often what is rubbing me the wrong way & hurting me in them is part of what is supposed to be the strength of what they were created to be. All of us are wounded or not walking in the fullness of what we were created to be in some way. If I give myself grace to be in process, I have to extend that same grace to those who hurt me. Not always easy–not even possible until I give the deep, hurt emotions over to Jesus first.
Hope something here was helpful!
All great points, Maile. For me, what made the difference in learning to love and be compassionate of others were 2 fundamental lessons I learned about people quite a number of years ago. One, everyone wants to put his/her best face forward to the world, but beneath that veneer we all hurt the same and have the same wants, needs, and desires. Secondly, beneath people’s misbehavior – whether it be insensitivity, meanness, or what have you – is a lot of hurt and pain. My best friend taught me a valuable lesson, and that is, the amount of love and compassion you have for others is a reflection of the amount of love and compassion you have for yourself. We can’t be to others what we can’t be to ourselves.
As for being overwhelmed, I have lately been quite overwhelmed by the anger and hate spewed by individuals hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. One way I have learned to combat that is to leave a rational response when I come across a post that’s especially mean-spirited. The original poster may or may not see my response, but my hope is that those who read the comments later will see my response counterpoint to the original post and perhaps, learn from it. I feel that when I do this, I have a bit more control over all the negativity out there. As Jesus said, “Let your light so shine before men…”
Dan, thanks for sharing your story with us. I think in a culture that devalues many of the traits that sensitive people have, it is a common thing to try to protect ourselves by becoming someone that we are not. We don’t realize during that whole process that in doing that, we wound ourselves far more deeply than other “sticks and stones” from others could.
I know for myself, the healing process has been and continues to be a long one because I am only now beginning to realize a bit of how God really designed me. It’s not that I was trying to be deceitful, but I was trying to survive. Part of that was due to the way I viewed God. Though I had been taught all my life about Immanuel= God with us, and His great love and care and had accepted Jesus at an early age- I grew up with a view of God as alternately distant or angry- and I could never understand how the God portrayed in the O.T. could be the same one in the N.T. This created in me a great loneliness and frustration and deep longing- for deep down I felt there had to be something better than this “Jesus religion” I grew up with. And there is. Through a series of difficult and painful circumstances (some of which are ongoing) the Lord has and is making Himself known to me in reality. It has hurt like crazy to get to that point, but I am now beginning to see how warped my view of Him AND myself was because of some lies I believed as a child.
Through this journey, I have gone through a phase of really struggling in my attitudes towards judgemental and critical people- especially the outspoken, controlling ones. But the Lord so gently points out to me that when I wallow in those feelings, I am doing exactly to them what I dislike about them. A humbling thought. I agree with all of you that responding in kind to hostility is like shooting yourself in the foot (or head) – Just not a very helpful thing in relating to people. My prayer lately has been asking the Father to let me see people the way He sees them. The flesh rears it’s ugly head, for sure, but more and more, the Father is patiently teaching me. The Proverb, “A soft answer turns away wrath” has been helpful to me when I feel my blood pressure go up and the old adrenalin surges which I’m told fill my body with stress hormones:)
I appreciate what Maile had to say about boundaries- there is a lot of wisdom of removing ourselves from situations if that is possible. Making priorities of how we use our time and energy is good stewardship. Sometimes, though, it isn’t possible to remove myself, and then I cry out to the Lord in my heart to uphold me and help me to do no harm to others in my thoughts or words.
I just want to say how much I appreciate all of your comments. This has been a very stressful year for me in some ways, and it is like a drink of fresh water to hear your insights and to know there are others that really understand and can relate to the challenges I face.
Blessings!
Oh my Goodness, In my time of desperation and seeking for answers I came across this website and BAM!!! . Finally I feel validated. My super emotions aren’t,after all ,from outer space but from God. I have struggled and lost relationships in my life because I fail to correctly express my true inner feelings. I’m thinking there is a short circuit in my brain and I’m guessing others thought the same. Boy, the anger I have compiled due to “lil misunderstood” has created a monster. Sanctification is truely sought but the road map to that destination is tangled. I know only God can fix it. And blogs like this one have become stepping stones for me. Thank you for putting yourself out there for me to find. This super sensitivity affects EVERYTHING in my life. I will anxiously be waiting for my next stepping stone. God bless
I strongly agree that many of the gifts God has given to His people have been lying dormant. That many are trying to be what they’re not instead of trying to be all that God has created them to be. I really feel the Lord has just opened a door for me and shone a light on a path of self discovery. That is that I am now to be made more fully aware about this sensitive side of me I’ve been trying so desparately hard to hide all this time and to now embrace it instead of discarding it. I shared this in another post but I am one of the Lord’s dreamers and visionaries. It doesn’t bother me if others don’t get it anymore. I get it and it is how the Lord communicates with me. I have great perception as in others issues and know I was created to help others in this fashion. I love being this but just need to now learn how to deal with it instead of fighting it and hiding it. Thanks for this place for us all to come to in safety. God bless!
Dear Sister, thank you for your blog. It seems for me that I have a long way to go… I am 54, live in Paris (France) and adult gifted (I discovered just a year ago) I understand better now myself versus others but still struggle with in my Christian walk. Not easy to be when the church always try hard to format people…
Just a note of encouragement to all of you precious ones,
Never, never, never give up… No matter what, keep going to Jesus with everything.
Life can be brutal at times. I have been experiencing a time of real depression and temptation to throw in the towel… but I’ve been around the block enough times to know that these struggles seem to come right around the time that the Father is making a real breakthrough in my life and answering prayers. They enemy loves to throw discouragement and depression our way, and I think he especially takes advantage of sensitive people that are very feeling oriented.
Sometimes I get discouraged and think that my sensitivity is only a liability. Voices all around me tell me this is the case. But God is the one who made me, and He made me this way for a reason. Because He is with me, I can persevere through the pain to the joy. Joy is found in Him. Discovering this is a very slow process with me and it seems like I take two steps forward and one step back in learning this.
Still, the deepest part of my heart says to keep moving forward- calling out to Jesus to reveal himself more and more to me and let me know how to cooperate with the plan he has for me. For me, life is a real roller coaster ride. Sometimes I want out of the amusement park! I really want the Lord to do a work in giving me stability in the midst of life’s craziness, and calm in the midst of the storm. I guess there is a whole lot of room for his strength to stand out in my weakness.
I just want to say to you hurting ones out there- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Immanuel- God is with us- right here- right now- in all the pain- garbage- fear- whatever….. and there are other folks out here that know what it’s like to feel like a square peg..that feel pain intensely and just want to hide until it goes away….Jesus Immanuel is with us… and know matter how much we may feel otherwise at any given moment… He loves us…. extravagently, lavishly,beyond our wildest imagination…
Springtime, hang in there! You are so right in saying that the Enemy likes to attack us when we are at our lowest. In times like these, we need to be ever more vigilant and turn to our Father for strength and guidance. Hang in there, and know that in time, this too shall pass.